I am sick of being sick. I’ve been sick for over a fucking week now.

I’m sick of being at work I’ve been working long ass shifts for days strait and getting few hours of sleep inbetween. I leave here for fucking 8 hours and I’m back again. It’s going to stay that way because not only do I gotta be back friday but its overtime and its going to continue into next week. 

I HATE it when I try to tell a friend/family member a problem I’m having and they just brush it off and go into worrying about themselves. Then they wonder why I’m bitchy with them, I’m obviously having some kind of issue. 

Whatever.

heres one

i have an issue showing true feelings to people. okay heres this…

if I make an effort to talk to YOU.. and actually take time out of my life to hang out with you… i like you.  i won’t go around people i don’t like or make an effort to talk to someone i don’t like. 

i think that’s pretty simple. 

dating.

i’ve been single for ALMOST a year now. i have a few more weeks to go. you know how old i was the last time id gone being single for that long? 12. before i even had a boyfriend. ridiculous, right? i’ve been loving pretty much every minute of it, but i think mostly because donnie was basically torture. its so fucked up to say but it’s true. i’ve been getting to know myself as an adult, and rekindling the friendships i fucked up while i was with him. if he ever calls me and i choose to answer the phone, just the sound of his voice pisses me off and ruins my day. and yes, he calls me still. 

obviously something is going on with me right now for me to be writing in here. its definately not the fact that i’ve been single for so long so i’ll tell ya what it is. the last time i’ve actually REALLY liked a guy and been in a situation where i didn’t know how to act upon it or what to do.. was about 5 years ago. i dont remember how i felt about it then… but i will tell you right now i fucking hate it. i HATE it. the fact that i lowered the flood gate enough to let this much emotion come thru is bad. my problem seems to be that i keep my gate up, and dont let guys know i like them, and then they move on. so i let it down a little and now i’m waiting for him to do something to make me regret it. 

all i have to say now is… thanks donnie. thankyou so much, for fucking my head up. 

My life is in need of a blog.

So I stopped writing in my blog for like… 8+ months… which is retarded because so much shit has happened. I couldn’t really control it, I just got a computer a month ago and the last time I wrote was the last time I had a computer. So whatevs.

I’m not going to backtrack on much, just the main stuff.

My brother Mike and friend Amber got married on June 25th 2009.. which was an awesome day. It was so stressful getting ready for it, I of course wasn’t working and I made ((yes made from a few pieces of fabric)) Ambers dress which was my first wedding dress and it turned out gorgeous. But everything was worth it because I had fun and so did everyone that came.

My niece Tegan turned 1 on August 2nd!! This is the first time I have had someone close in my life ((Nikki)) have a baby.. and watch them grow up. Every single time I see Tegan, she does something that makes me go “holy shit”! The fact that she knows where her nose and eyes are and knows my name and who I am is amazing to me.

My niece/goddaughter Alexis Brielle was born on December 10th 2009 ((and was/is BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT))!! I know I’ve said something before about Amber being pregnant in here, because we knew about it back in April. I will admit even though Amber was walking around obviously pregnant,  it was unrealistic. It’s kind of hard to think of my brother as a dad. Now that I can look at Alexis and see my brother in her eyes its realistic all of a sudden. And to top that off, she is my best friends baby too. I see Mike in her eyes, I also see Amber in her mouth and chin. Those are the only things I’m sure of so far with her looks because she’s so small still. It’s crazy how much she has taken from both of them. 

Moving today!!! Hopefully… I’m depending on using Steves van because I didn’t get a UHaul… I’ll get as much as I can I suppose. This sucks bad I don’t want to see Donnie. At least he is going to camp today so I won’t have to watch him sitting on the couch while I carry myself out of his life.

I’m a fucking idiot

So I hit my head… FUCKING HARD… and made myself black out. I don’t have insurance so I can’t go to the hospital. I’m pretty sure it’s a concussion because it has been 24 hours now and the headache has not stopped, my vision is all blurry, and I have just wanted to sleep since its happened. I have a bump on the top of my head and I can’t even touch it or comb my hair without it making my headache worse. I am supposed to be moving today I have procrastinated long enough. How am I supposed to move when all I want to do i sleep? My mom told me I’m not supposed to do any like hardcore physical activity including the gym which I’m pissed about. What do you call carrying dressers and mattresses up and down stairs?? I call it hardcore physical activity. Tomorrow night Steve is having a party, I hope for once It’s nice out because I’m sick of sitting in his basement drinking it has gotten gay. Sunday my Uncle John is having a party for Memorial Day, and Monday my old friend Don from high school is having a birthday party I’m going to. Soooo I am pretty busy the next few days. Hopefully I get a lot done today, I need to take a nap or I’m not getting ANYTHING done.

“Can you feel your heartbeat racing?
Can you taste the fear in her sweat?
You’ve done this wrong
It’s too far gone
These sheets tell of regret
I admit that I’m just a fool for you
I am just a fool for you

Don’t shake, I hate to see you tremble
Trembling you’ve lost your touch
Haven’t you, I’m so addicted”

Fuck.

I realized… as much as my friends really piss me off sometimes… I love them all and I think they’re perfect. I wouldn’t trade any of them in for the world. Quality is definately better than quantity. How many memories can you make with a person when you have to split your time between them and 800 other people? Now that I’m older and ALL of the friends I have I have had for 7+ years, one of my favorite things to do is talk about crazy shit we used to do. I have attached myself to them big time the past few weeks cuz of me and Donnie breaking up, I don’t have him to confide in anymore. I need to learn how to be a single person again. BARE WITH ME PEOPLE!

So things got fucked up… I was supposed to move all of my stuff on Saturday morning. Donnie informed me Thursday that he was going to NYC Monday (today) which gave me a few more days to get my room together and move instead of pushing it all in. Donnie told me yesterday he is not going to NYC anymore… so I am here at this apartment with him yet another week while he walks around being completely bi-polar with me. The last few nights he has been just up and disappearing and not coming home until noon. I know we are broken up, but I still live with him. I will not object to what he is doing or where he is going, but I would like to know where the fuck he is because I sit here and worry. He doesn’t answer his phone cuz he doesn’t want to talk to me either. Every time I leave, I let him know where I’m going and around when I’ll be back. Not only so he just knows what’s going on… but because it’s habit. We are semi-broken up right now because we are still tied because we still live together. It’s not 100% over. It’s Monday, he had work this morning. But he wasn’t home last night when I got here at 1am, it’s 10:11am and he’s still not here. I do not like how he is going around acting like the victim to everyone either. Yes, I broke up with him. But I didn’t do it for no reason or out of the clear blue. At least when I talk to my friends and family about him, they know EVERYTHING including what I did wrong. As many times as I tell him what went wrong, he doesn’t want to listen. He thinks after 3 1/2 years of the same shit and 20 2nd chances, he can get another 2nd chance and I can’t do it anymore. It will be the same thing for the rest of my life and that’s not how I want to live my life. When I get married, I want to get along with that guy more than I get along with ANYONE effortlessly because he is who is going to be by my side every day until the day I die. I am sorry that I am selfish when it comes to settling down with a man, and the last thing I want to do is break Donnies heart. As a person, I love him very much and always will. He has a very big heart, and is a good guy. The thing is, is that we do not get along and our personalities clash big time. We like completely differant things and like doing completely differant things… and us starting fights because of this stuff has led to WAY bigger fights and stupid actions. When he finds a new girlfriend one day, I know he will see what I’m talking about and he will be wonderful to her. Just because I said that doesn’t mean I am excited for him to have a new girlfriend and that I don’t care… I said it because it’s reality, I want him to be happy just as much as I want to be happy. Me moving out of this apartment and having to see him every single day looking sad because I made him that way is the hardest thing I have ever done. I really thought I was going to marry him one day and knowing now I have to go face the world alone and eventually start from scratch again really sucks. He has been in my life every single day for 3 1/2 years, it is normal for me to automatically call him when something good or bad happens, or want to know where he is when I come home and he isn’t around. Now I have to just cut him out of my life and it’s HARD. When I finally do get back into my parents house, I am going to be EXTREMELY depressed for a long time.

Blogging is grand. I want to blog so bad right now, but I don’t.

I have huge plans this weekend. Friday, I am painting my old room at my parents house RED and cleaning it really good. Saturday, I am moving all of my shit into that room, going to my Uncle Johns wedding dinner at 3pm, then going to Steves house to our 3rd official trampoline party. Sunday, as of last night the plans were to go out with Amber looking for bridesmaids dresses BUT as of right now I am really upset with her and I’m not sure if I want to.

Why am I upset with Amber is the huge question. What do I want to say is the other question because I know she is one of the only people who reads my blog.

I am upset with Amber… because she has changed dramatically since she started dating my brother. She is not being the person I love. She is being self absorbed and a bitch 24-7. I know she is pregnant and stressed out BELIEVE ME i am more than aware of this. BUT… my other best friend just had a baby in August, she went through basically the same thing Amber is going through now. Nikki had her mood swings, but never was a bitch to me or ever made me feel like shit, and she knew she wasn’t the only person that mattered on earth. Amber is having everything done for her she has not lifted a finger towards doing anything except showing up for her doctor appointments. As of right now, there is nothing wrong with that it’s not me complaining. My point, is that she is a lucky bitch to have so many people here to help her out. In my eyes, she does not deserve what she is getting right now. I have yet to hear her thank me for anything… my mom and dad fed her and drove her to and from work for like 3 weeks while she was having issues with her mom without asking for a penny.. and i have this weird feeling that she didn’t thank them. It’s not that anyone has a problem with doing these things, it’s just nice to know that things are appreciated. I had a HELL WEEK last week. It was strait shitty and I let everyone know. Instead of being my friend and trying to help me out a little bit… the conversations went strait to how she felt about being pregnant and how she is so stressed out over this wedding that she isn’t even working on, and stressing me out even more than I was already because what I feel doesn’t really matter anymore. I have been trying SO HARD to keep things good. I have never seen my mom and dad so stressed out and upset in my life since this has happened, and its not because of the baby, its because of all the fighting and the pointless bullshit that is being caused. My mom thinks she isn’t going to be able to enjoy her first grandchild because everything has to be so dramatic all the time, it’s going to ruin it for her. And that REALLY upsets me because I know how badly my mom has wanted a grandbaby and she only gets a first grandbaby once… and this is the way it has to be. That is fucking with my family and that is NOT okay.

To Amber: You ARE special because you’re pregnant. You are NOT the only person in the world. It is NOT okay to treat everyone like shit around you because that’s how you feel at the moment. This is the last time I will say this… I AM TIRED OF IT. ITS NOT OKAY ANYMORE.